South By South West

Here's me:




I just found out Im moving to Adelaide, a city I havent given much thought to in my 25 years. It's not that I think badly of the place, the City Of Churches, Football, Brothels, Serial Killers. I'm sure it's very nice, you know, if you like that sort of thing. I just never thought I'd end up living there.

I've been back in Melbourne for about 6 months or more. For work I've schlepping on a monstrosity of a game show with hundreds of players and Eddie McGuire and questions along the lines of:

'Ironically considering his name, musician Kieth URBAN is famous for what kind of music?
A: Hip Hop
B: Country
C: Dance

If you can't answer that, you're no friend of mine.

My job has been to locate quizmaniacs eager to offer a day or five of their time to be herded around like children in a vast soundstage in the boondocks of Melbourne on the whiff of winning 426 dollars and change. I work in the control room, tracking the progress of the contestants. Heres my view...



MOB MOB MOB!!



I also write the palm cards for the host to hold, so he can fire off informed reparte to the various contestants. Groups like 'Strippers', 'NSW Beef Queen's' and 'Neuroscientists'. I'm often reminded of Winona Ryder stitching up Good Morning Grant in Reality Bites (has she ever been better?).

I've been working in TV for about three years. Mostly on reality confections like Big Brother, The Biggest Loser, Ready Steady Cook. I live for the 18-39 demographic. I have long felt I was just passing the time until being swept into the fray of Love My Way or Australian Story. The reality kept me far far far away, down the back, near the tape library, left of the mens toilets.

So lately I've been sneakily applying for random jobs on the 'net, writing increasingly bizarre covering letters in my quest for gainful employment. Stage Manager of a musical? Sure! Marketing Coordinator of Girlfriend Magazine? Why not?! Also on the pile was a pitch for Weekend Online Editor at the Adelaide Advertiser. The ONLY paper in South Australia, and one of News Corps finest. I was flown there on a stolen Saturday for an interview.

The first thing I noticed as I got off the plane was this billboard:



For some reason it spoke to me about the town I had just landed in. I got in a cab and the noticed some more things. The street signs were larger, more exaggerated. The roads were wide and the light flatter and brighter than the east. Fearing I'd be quizzed on South Australian politics I asked the cabbie who the premier was. The floodgates split and this bloke went on a long and winding dissertation on the state of state affairs. It was like he'd been waiting his whole life to talk politics with a jittery dude covered a rash from having his weekly shave that morning.

But, yeah, the interview went well. I start in 4 weeks. 3 days after the game show contract expires. Im packing up Doris Daewoo, and heading South. Or, like, South West. Into the unknown! The untold! The great void!

The City of Churches awaits. Come!